Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.

I made a robot to help me argue on the internet

i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”

Nobody:

Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this

If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?

$3 #books

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old

i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it

[Intruder breaking into my house]

Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off

Him: Huh?

Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start

Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off

Me: *tightening karate belt* I know

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?

pat pat

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.

Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.

People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.

just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.

Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?

“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.

wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit

My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.

-Steve Buscemi

My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.