Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
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Who called it cremation and not ashashination
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that