Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: What’s that you’re reading?

Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”

Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?

Me: $24.99.

INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference

I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.

Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this

Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.

My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.

Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

Have you tried complaining about it for hours?

Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.

it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”

I’m gonna need a lot more than that.

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!

~Poprah

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

9: Can I rent an otter?

Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]