Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
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Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Yoga Matt
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.