Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
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Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Does this dress make me look cat?
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn