Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
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By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.
Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…
Nope, no thank you.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday