Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
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A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system