Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Confessional Booth]

Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.

Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!

Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

“You make your own luck!”

– Lucky People

WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?

“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.

A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.

My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

[date]

“don’t let her know ur from twitter”

Her: whats wrong?

Me: This fork only has 3 prongs

Her: So?

Me: it should be called a threek

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi

Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder

Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack

Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.

“You have too much stuff”

– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house

Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?

Me: Well I had diarrhea that day

Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?

Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day

FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor

FRIEND: Flu?

ME: Nah, just drove really fast

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour

I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.

20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him

40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU

just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused