Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”

o: I want a tail

GENIE: ok

α: longer

GENIE: sure

q: LONGER

GENIE: dude

@: perfect

me: you ever have conversations in your head?

me: lmao no

At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.

My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.

“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!

Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.

*END CALL*

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS

Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened

Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”

Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check

[I appear in 1985]

SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?

ME: Uh…hmm…uh…

SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?

ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is

“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”

Me: *drops mic*

Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!

I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.

Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”

Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream

“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume

“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.