Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At urgent care with my 8yo

Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.

😆

(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”

Hitlers gonna hitl

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.

Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.

My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.

My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.

What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?

Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.

Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.

Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…

Me: That’s all I got my man.

It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read anything.

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.

Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello

Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”

Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards

I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.

“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*

It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.

*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you

Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.

– Respirational Tweet

A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.