[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
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A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
A bug zapper, but for people trying to come into my office.
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Is it that you think I can’t eat this rotisserie chicken with my bare hands while driving 75 mph, or that I won’t?
Either way, you’re wrong.
“we lost your dad during surgery im very sorry”
ha, hes always wandering off
*holds up one finger while on phone*
dad ring me back
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.