@SvnSxty

Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder

Hobbes: getting a second opinion?

Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it

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@JJSummertime

My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.

@AndrewChamings

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born

@meganamram

“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly

@reaghhan

doctor: congrats on the baby! What are you going to name him

Newt Gingrich’s mom: newt gingrich

@sug_knight

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

@stevevsninjas

Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.

@dlockw21

IT: You deleted the OS?

Me: I think so.

IT: It didn’t warn you?

Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?

@CrockettForReal

I just had to run my daughter a second bath because the first, and I quote, had a hair in it

@Adar79Angie

Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.