@JJSummertime
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
@SvnSxty
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
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@JJSummertime
@AndrewChamings
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
@meganamram
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
@reaghhan
doctor: congrats on the baby! What are you going to name him
Newt Gingrich’s mom: newt gingrich
@sug_knight
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
@stevevsninjas
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
@dlockw21
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
@Mr_Meowwwgi
This punishment is not working…
@CrockettForReal
I just had to run my daughter a second bath because the first, and I quote, had a hair in it
@Adar79Angie
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.