Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder

Hobbes: getting a second opinion?

Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it

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I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.


I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.


On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.


Scrooge: You there boy. What day is it?

Me: Junetober Eleventeenth


It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.


My friend’s toddler babbled “don’t forget to subscribe” as he was put to bed. Kid watches so much YouTube he thought it means “goodbye”


Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.


Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.


I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.