Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@CornOnTheGoblin

[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT

@holypurgatory

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

@BuckyIsotope

*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital

@ohpeetie

A bug zapper, but for people trying to come into my office.

@SondraDeeMe

[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.

@Holy_Mowgli

[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*

@yonewt

Is it that you think I can’t eat this rotisserie chicken with my bare hands while driving 75 mph, or that I won’t?
Either way, you’re wrong.

@KeetPotato

“we lost your dad during surgery im very sorry”
ha, hes always wandering off
“no he..”
*holds up one finger while on phone*
dad ring me back

@AtticusFinch79

[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.

@Danny_McH2O

It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.