Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder

Hobbes: getting a second opinion?

Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it

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[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT


A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.


*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital


A bug zapper, but for people trying to come into my office.


FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.


Is it that you think I can’t eat this rotisserie chicken with my bare hands while driving 75 mph, or that I won’t?
Either way, you’re wrong.


“we lost your dad during surgery im very sorry”
ha, hes always wandering off
“no he..”
*holds up one finger while on phone*
dad ring me back


[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.