@SvnSxty

Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder

Hobbes: getting a second opinion?

Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it

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@crunchenhanced

I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.

@Eden_Eats

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

@Darlainky

On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.

@Mr_Kapowski

Scrooge: You there boy. What day is it?

Me: Junetober Eleventeenth

@KevinFarzad

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

@tomgara

My friend’s toddler babbled “don’t forget to subscribe” as he was put to bed. Kid watches so much YouTube he thought it means “goodbye”

@Henry_3000

Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

@LindaInDisguise

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

@offbeatoliv

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.