“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
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In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
THE DOG😭😭💀
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
when nothing goes right… go left
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??