Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
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No matter how rich or famous you become, when you die, the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Beware the Jubjub bird AND shun the frumious Bandersnatch? In this economy?!
Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I rode a bike doped up, I ran into a parked zebra.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
It costs today’s parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?