“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
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[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”