“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

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Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.


No matter how rich or famous you become, when you die, the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.


Beware the Jubjub bird AND shun the frumious Bandersnatch? In this economy?!


Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I rode a bike doped up, I ran into a parked zebra.


[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you


It costs today’s parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that’s just for the alcohol.


[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*


If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.


Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?