@JayMindX

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

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@patnspankme

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

@iGreenMonk

No matter how rich or famous you become, when you die, the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.

@kirstenmorry

Beware the Jubjub bird AND shun the frumious Bandersnatch? In this economy?!

@inSanelySami

Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I rode a bike doped up, I ran into a parked zebra.

@bornmiserable

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

@KentTheG

It costs today’s parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that’s just for the alcohol.

@jctwritesstuff

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

@badbanana

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

@glamrockgoth

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?