Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”

So I went in and applied for the job.

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?

where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,

[1st date]

[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor

Her: “How’s your meal?”

[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells

Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?

Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure

I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*

*argument ensues*

I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”

My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.

SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.