Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[walking into a gym]

me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories

NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.

“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”

After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

Headache Protip:

Bang your toe into something.

[in bed]

gf: I thought we could experiment with toys

me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear

Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.

Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean

Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.

I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!

Twitter remains undefeated

How to numbers:

1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.

[Medieval Europe]

Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.

Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”

We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”

I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.

Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

And now we wait