Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
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My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
9 circles of hell in this economy?
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.