Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.

Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: 😮 hampire

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.

I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

Neighbor: can you watch my dog?

Me: like through your window?

N: no, I meant like-

Me: cause I don’t do that now

N: watc-

Me: okay once

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.

Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.

Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’

ME: these fireworks are so quiet

WIFE: those are palm trees

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.

Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.

Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!

I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.

If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me

I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.

Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.