Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
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An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.