Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.

Pee pressure > peer pressure

I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”

WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”

DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”

Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”

I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?

Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs

my children:

me:

my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.

What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?

HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?

ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.

mom: everyone has to learn to swim

kid: even jesus?

mom: of course

jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda

Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”

Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”

I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time

Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?

Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.

Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold

The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have

the beatles: all you need is love

haddaway: I have a question

[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

Him: So tell me something about yourself.

Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.

Him: What?

Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.