The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
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“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off