Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
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I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Breaking news:
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*