Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
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Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”