Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
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Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password