@UncleBob56

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

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@KKAlThani

I’m not the jealous type. And no I don’t know why every time you talk to someone the police find their body dumped in a river the next day.

@anerdonfire2

Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

@iwearaonesie

“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir

@LoveNLunchmeat

I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.

@pplwtching

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

@Canadian_Cutie_

Dad: ok we need to find the number to that store, get the phone book

Me: Get the what now?

@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.

@ambamthankyamam

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

@TheNewDomShow

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.