@UncleBob56

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

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@BoomBoomBetty

[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]

[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]

Me, squeezing back: Awww.

@s8n

If it’s 1 or 1000 sins you’re still getting sent to Hell. So why not go for 1,000,000 sins and come down here a legend

@Jesssicle

People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars

@livingnBoston

I updated my drivers on my laptop and now I have all kinds of pop ups…thanks Microsoft!

@JediGigi

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

@hell_homer

kicked out of church. I yelled “YEAH WE “HAVE A MARIA”, SHE’S MY AUNT, WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING IT WEIRD”. mustve gotten too close 2 the truth

@cynthiajones11

Granny always said, ‘If in doubt, check it out.’
My addition: ‘If the answer gets your goat, punch ’em in the throat.’

@13spencer

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

@KalvinMacleod

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*