Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster

Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit

THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable

As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.

Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.

left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”

As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.

Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂

me: hit that tree with your fist

hitman: that’s not what i do

me: hundred bucks

hitman: no

me: will you punch a house

As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best

I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen

I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.

Me:

Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.

Him: I like it when a girl growls at me

My stomach: *growls*

Him: not like that

It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”

Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family