Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?

Me: um yes. I’m married.

CG: *shrugs* your loss.

Me:

CG:

*being abducted by aliens*

Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?

I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant

Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.

My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

me: you said you were going to clean your room

5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise

me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”

5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it

Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.

A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

[Commercial for Disneyland]

Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?

My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night

Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.

I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”

Actually, I do.

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.