Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
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I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
The internet is full of many things
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
