Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
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Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
Haha! 😂
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
“i am a sweet baby”
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …