Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
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Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
I’m too immature for adultery.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.