Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
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Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.