came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
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[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
me when i smell free food in the break room
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’