Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
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[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Our son, who lives in Brisbane, fully 10,000 miles out of earshot, has just sent our daughter, who lives under our roof, some bagpipes.
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob
Me: Why?
11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes
𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
