Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
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Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket