Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.

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By this time of year baby Jesus was probably already totally sick of playing with his frankincense.


I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.


you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.


I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter


When a guy tries to talk to me while at a urinal I instantly slide over and start pissing in his urinal too. See how friendly he really is


Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.


Oh, elderly neighbor: You defeated Hitler, yet you somehow can’t figure out the car alarm?


Me: Thanks for agreeing to do this session via Skype

Therapist: Right, are you in a safe place?

Me: *from inside my blanket fort* Yes, very


Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?