Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
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They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.