Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
You Might Also Like
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?