Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
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[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Camel dough
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.