Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays

[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?

The asteroid..

A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.

I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.

a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.

i think both sides are to blame here

My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.

The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.

My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?

me: flattery

interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?

me: that smile

interviewer: 😳

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

vet: I need to give your dog some shots

me: no he doesn’t drink

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

Wife- Don’t forget the trash.

Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.

Wife- What did you ju…

Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.

How to tell if your wife is mad at you

1. She is

Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

Beware…..

Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.

Me: My eyes are up here

Picasso: I disagree

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.

I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.