came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
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The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Venn
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
That de-escalated quickly
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?