came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
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I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Help Wanted
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
#oldknees
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.