came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
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Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex