Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.

I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.

I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

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OMG DAD WAT?
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Hi

Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.

me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat

my friend: w-why do u know that

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES

Also me: is 40

I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”

Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…

Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*

brain: bored

me: lots of stuff to do

brain: tired

me: resting is also good

brain: stressed

me: alright man

ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.

Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?

Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.

When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are

My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.

They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes