CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
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The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
So that’s what we looked like?
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork