Camel dough
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me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.