Camel dough
You Might Also Like
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi