[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
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A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Something Saturday.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Ovenable?
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this