[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
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I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Managing expectations
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.