Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.
I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
jesus, what did this guy do
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
