Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
