Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
