Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
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ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Ferrari squats
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed