Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
You Might Also Like
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.