Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target

[deparment store]

Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside

Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*

Snake: woofssssss

If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.

If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?

Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.

An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.

“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

[Interview]

“Describe yourself in one word.”

Me: Lethargic.

Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals

If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.

I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.

GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…

*opens The Shining

Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”

My dog:

I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice

Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.

Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?