Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷‍♀️

Orcas are not our friends

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.

Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”

Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids

me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose

Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment

Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV

Me: Night love.

11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?

Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier

If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

How much more of this can I take?

* piles food on buffet plate *

*tries to get in your pantries*

There is no typo here.

4: I didn’t know lizards were cold

6:

4:

6: BLIZZards

Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

[fire raging in my bedroom]

smoke alarm:

[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]

smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE

I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat

Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s

[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.