Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
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GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago