Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

doing some research

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *

55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

ME: let’s not fight

DOCTOR: you punched me

ME: you stabbed me

DOCTOR: with a needle

ME: let’s not fight

When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.

You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves

[Commercial for ulcer medication]

“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”

Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?

At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?

“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”

If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?

Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145

If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:

1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”

They inhale deeply…

Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…

Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?

Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?

Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you

they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

[commercial for babies]

*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*

Narrator: don’t you hate this?

Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.

I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently