Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

“So how was your day today at work?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦‍♂️😳🤯😂

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework

don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK

For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?

Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.

I believe the plural is “milves.”

me: i’d like to buy a data storage system

assistant: hard drive

me: yes the freeway was gridlocked

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.

I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.

Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.

What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel

There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.

Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.

Me: I want beer

Cashier: ok how much

Me:

Cashier:

Me: I want it so so much

The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.