[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
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[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
May your day taste like creamy soup.
😂😂😂
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.