Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?

Her: well it does now

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box

Mugger: Give me your money

Me: Get ready to see some karate!

Mugger: Oh yeah?

Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag

There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.

A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms

*courtroom*

judge: I hear you want a new lawyer

me: yes I do

judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario

me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing

I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza

Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…

WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?

ROCK HARD ABS!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?

RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!

the official breakfast of 2021

date: I wrote a book on lions

me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?

Guys which shade of gery should I get

Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”

They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”

DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]

Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder

*brings whipped cream to bed*

Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?

Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?

Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!