Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What do you know about atoms?”

“Very little.”

“Besides that.”

Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?

he chose this

Twerking is the crocs of dancing.

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”

Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.

“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination

“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”

“Sir, she came in with you!”

Amazon Review Guide

⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating

Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.

If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?

ME: this isn’t curing anything

SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds

ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it

cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen

: very

“Coming this summer, the exciting movie you’ve been waiting for!” – Teaser trailer

“You call those tires? You couldn’t haul a kitten, you wimp!” – Trailer teaser

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.

Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.

My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.