Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.
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Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha