Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.
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I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead