Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
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[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
i just started buying stock from the market…i have chicken, beef, and vegetable…i hope that makes me a bouillonaire one day 😂😂 i love telling jokes and walking around the financial district in new york city 😝
Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
The walk of shame, but it’s just trying to walk after sitting crisscross applesauce for a few minutes.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!