Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
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Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?