Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”

We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.

I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes

“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like

Wife: those are our children

me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy

husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-

me:

husband: I’ll go get more batteries

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: A penguin.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.

ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?

[Me watching football on TV]

Oh man this reminds me of high school

Her: you played football in high school?

Me: no, I watched TV

Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….

But, I can walk.

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…

Teamwork makes the dreamwork

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy

coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.

Howl 😭

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.