Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.

Her: Just wait.

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.

Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.

*fills the ice tray once*

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE

I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!

From my Mom

I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.

If my kids invented a drink.

I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job

I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen

I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle

Me: omg they’re perfect

Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!

Me: haha and what does she do

Pixar:

Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure

I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT

I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.

If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.

If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.