Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

20 year old me)I’m going to be rich

30 year old me)I’m going to travel

40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person

50 year old me)I’m going to bed

Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating

Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it

Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets

Therapist: absolutely not

The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

“Honey the baby is crowning!”

*Lifts up hospital gown*

“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”

[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory

I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is “redacted”

me: ████████

judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.

My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.

If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi

Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”

[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]

Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”

Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.

i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized

You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.

lmao

Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.

[Christmas dinner]

Me [serving guests]: More ramen?

The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.

As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”