“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
You Might Also Like
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
socratic questions
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars