Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
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[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
let’s discuss
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.