CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
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Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
At least my masseuse has my back.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.