@TheThryll

CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.

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@AmberTozer

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

@sixfootcandy

Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.

@JediGigi

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

@wickedsuga

Did Adam and Eve have bellybuttons?

*reason #42 why I can’t fall asleep

@Thynebear

Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy

@liv_thatsme

“Don’t you wish you had children?”

Me: Don’t you wish you had money, free time, & sanity?

@Nikkeya08

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

@ItsAndyRyan

Sigmund Freud: I fell over

Me: A Freudian slip?

Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass

Me: Is it a bit of a pane?

Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune

Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud

@WilliamRodgers

Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….