CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
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Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night