Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
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Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Did Adam and Eve have bellybuttons?
*reason #42 why I can’t fall asleep
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
“Don’t you wish you had children?”
Me: Don’t you wish you had money, free time, & sanity?
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….