CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
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Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
I bet
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Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits
Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.
this isn’t threatening at all
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I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.