Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.

*working in pediatric ER*

me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!

kid: what is that *points to badge*

me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha

kid: it looks the same today

me:

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s

Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp

Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻‍♀️😂

all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

*Interrupts your meltdown*

Where do you keep the good snacks!?

Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista

The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.

I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.

I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.

My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.

There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.

I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police

Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.

Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.

My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers