Camping tip: No.
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Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
looks legit
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high